


In My Heart And In My Head, Tell Me Why This Has To End

by ThereIsNoTragedyInThat



Series: Somewhere Between Kansas and the Open Road [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Episode: s14e13 Lebanon, Family Feels, Gen, Good Parent John Winchester, Heartbreak, Introspection, Protective John Winchester, Resurrected Mary Winchester, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:01:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23805031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThereIsNoTragedyInThat/pseuds/ThereIsNoTragedyInThat
Summary: Mary in the aftermath of the 300th episode, thinking about John.SPN Song Challenge Fill: Seafret-Atlantis
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Mary Winchester, John Winchester/Mary Winchester, Mary Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: Somewhere Between Kansas and the Open Road [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1698406
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	In My Heart And In My Head, Tell Me Why This Has To End

Mary hadn’t moved for nearly two hours now. She knew her boys were worried, had been sending her concerned looks edged with a desperate kind of need. She understood, really, she did, but she wasn’t quite able to move yet, not without letting something inside her break into pieces she wouldn’t know how to put back together again. No, she just needed a little bit longer, to rebuild.

John.

Her eyes flickered closed, pain spiking in her heart and a nauseous kind of grief twisting her stomach. The unfairness of it all washed over her, made her want to scream and protest whatever cosmic force decided her boys needed her more then they needed him, she had seen the way they had reacted to John when he came back, had seen the heartbreak, had heard the quiet conversations, the forgiveness.

She missed him. All of this, coming back and being face to face with her boys, she hadn’t let herself grieve, not really, didn’t want to think too hard about his passing and the way she’d never be held in arms again or see his smile or watch him teach their boys everything they knew now, for better or for worse.

Mary remembered having those same thoughts once. Remembered how it felt to have her heart torn from her chest and squeezed until she could barely breathe from the pain. She remembered holding John’s body in arms, warm and unmoving, eyes closed, never to be seen again. She remembered that voice, those horrifying yellow eyes and the realization that her past would never stay where it belonged that it would always be coming after her and she never had choice in it all.

Making the deal…well that had been the easy part. Every day, seeing John looking at her like she was the only thing in the world that mattered, telling her he loved her, feeling his chest rise and fall on late nights when she couldn’t sleep. Yes, that had been easy.

The hard part was after. The hard part was leaving behind her father and her mother, letting John think they had some brutal falling out. The hard part was the lies she had to tell to keep him from getting too close to her world. The guilt, oh the guilt that is so much sharper now then it had been back when she been too confident to think she’d be able to defend her boys from all evils.

It was hard looking at Sam now, knowing what price she’d payed for her husband’s life, for his father’s. The whole thing was so twisting and confusing that she hardly knew whether or not it had been worth it. She had a husband and two sons out of it all. She had apparently, inadvertently given the world the two people it needed in order to be saved…but that didn’t erase the scars or haunted look in her boys’ eyes, or the way they clung to one another in a way that spoke of an unhealthy codependency born of necessity.

Having him come back, even for just a brief amount of time…god she knew she should be grateful, being given the chance to say something like a goodbye, the very thing millions of people around the world would kill for…but all she felt was pain.

Sam and Dean had told her of all the times they had brought each other back, how they’d faced death and the devil and god just to come back to one another and that was all she wanted. If she had to be here, had to exist in this world then she wanted John by her side.

He’d been exactly how she remembered.

Reading his journal…Mary hadn’t been sure if she’d recognize the man, she married should she see him again. But then, there had been these small moments, moments that her sons seemed to have overlooked, using the journal more as a tool then as a memorial. John had written about all of Sammy’s firsts and Dean’s little moments of joy like he wanted to imprint them on his mind forever. Had made little notes in the corners about how tall Sammy had grown and about the passion and dedication blossoming in Dean’s soul. She could imagine John, curled up in the Impala on late nights after a hunt, running his fingers over the pages and writing out advice to his sons, to keep them safe and alive. She could imagine him re-reading all those little observations, reminding himself of his children and loving them in his own way.

Her John had always been there, between the lines.

And she had been right. Seeing him in the flesh, feeling his arms around her, hearing the disbelieving apology in her ears…it was John, her John. She hadn’t been able to take her eyes off him, had been hooked on the sound of voice and had seen the weary pride in his eyes as they sat down with their sons to eat dinner…like a family.

He’d raised them and he’d done it well. John had prepared them for a life they never would have been able to save them from. Mary knew she wouldn’t have been able to do that, to guide her baby boys the way they needed to be if they were to survive. She had told him, in a moment just for them, that he’d done it all right, that he’d been exactly what they needed.

She couldn’t stop seeing the way he looked at her.

Like she’d hung the moon and the stars and the sun too.

“Mom?”

Mary looked up to find Sam next to her. Somewhere behind him she knew Dean was lurking, never far and she found herself smiling softly and reaching out to take his hand. Sam’s eyes glistened with understanding and it was the easiest thing in the world to stand and let him wrap his arms around her.

John was gone but her boys remained. There were far worse things in life.


End file.
